Funny Friendship Quotes
Funny Quotes about Friends

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole

An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

 

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg

It's a funny thing about life;
if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2

You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous

You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Anonymous

I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.
- Winston Churchill

The road to success is always under construction.
- Anonymous

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles Schultz' Peanuts comic

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
- Albert Einstein

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

To fall in love is awfully simple,
but to fall out of love is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson

When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon

True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel

When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor

I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (The movie )

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

This town needs an enema.
- the movie Batman

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

Still, things could be a lot worse.
Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- the movie Megamind (2010)

Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)

Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- the movie Tangled (2010)

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

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